this blog is coming to you with an electric feeling flowing through my body. one that encompasses hope, anxiety, excitement, and fear. a combitation of emotions that can only lead to.... well... SOMETHING!
this past friday was my 23rd birthday. last week proved to be a difficult week with a big black splotch looming at the end of it-- a day that is supposed to be special but was turning out to be a disaster as far as i could tell. as of late, i've been in a horrible position of loneliness, depression, and overall lack of motivation for life in general. i know that i'm bringing all of this on myself. i had a friend once who was so convinced that self-fulfilling prophecies was the way to live life. her life is amazing. filled with famous people, opportunities, and joy. i suppose her theory is right. anyways, in my own self pity i was spiralling deeper and deeper into a state of lonlines, depression and a further lack of motivation for life.
in order to not be alone on my birthday i called a friend in seattle to see if i could stay for the weekend. i almost didn't end up going. the series of events leading up to the weekend became so stressful for me that i felt like my body was going to shut down on me. there were thunderstorms, lost sisters, windstorms, forest fires near the house, mice in my room, long physically demanding days at work, a general lack of sleep etc. that compiled on the fact that i realized how fast life goes by etc, etc. on friday morning i almost decided that curling up in a ball in my bed for the weekend was the best possible decision i could make for myself.

but i ended up travelling to seattle where a handful of my college friends have settled down this past year and gradually the old "me" showed herself to the world. the one who was known for always smiling, who walked with pride, who realized how damn lucky she was in life, who loved being around her friends, and the one who let things roll of her back rather than dwell on them. i had the BEST weekend since i've been back in the US. And i didn't do anything really very special at all. I went out to lunch with one of my best guy friends. we walked around the city center-- people watching and shopping. Bought some wine, drank, made dinner. went out to a bar with my two bestest girl friends. got into bed around 345am. woke up hungover as all hell the next morning. spent the day trying not to vomit, feeding my veins plenty of coffee. rallied when the sun poked through the clouds in the afternoon by heading out to a sunny deck at a friendly little restaurant on the waterfront. drank mojitos in the sun. ate a caprese salad with beatifully grilled eggplant. ended up at a reggae concert with handsome men and music that filled my body with pure pleasure. it chased away any negativeness that was residing with in and chocking me. i could breath again. i smiled a smile that used muscles i haven't used in at least a year. it felt so good to stretch them again. a relief. happiness. JOY.

i am back home now. with a new energy. but i keep crying. sobbing. i see something beautiful or hear a good story and start balling uncontrolably. i can't quite figure out where this emotion is coming from. its like everything is all too much at once and the only thing i can do is cry.

my life is....... well my life. i wish i could use an adjective to describe it, but i really just don't know one. i wouldn't know to use a postive one, or a negative one, one that suggests contentness, or one that reflects annoyance. i've never been this aware of life before. never thought about the idea of being alive and what exactly that state entails. sometimes its all too much for me to think about and i get an adreneline rush through my body followed by, what feels like, a slow process of shutting down of the body. an aweful anxiety. i don't want this feeling anymore. i want to be excited and mainly proud of my choices. i odn't really know how to get there and i think that is what bothers me even more.