i woke up this morning and went to work. i worked in silence. well, the room was quite noisy but the people inside were all quite contemplative. i had thoughts of europe, new zealand, math problems. all of this going on as the corker machine hissed and groaned, bottles rattled, and boxes roughly stacked. now that i think of it, not a whole lot went on in my head. this is a sad realization for me. just one year ago, i would have had a million different semi-intelligent thoughts running through my head. things i had read, conversations with friends i was expanding upon, topics in class. now my life is null and void of any intelligence. i think my brain is going to die from lack of use. perhaps if my brain goes then i won't feel quite as guilty for not using it.

i thought about fathers a lot today. i didn't come to any major conclusion on my thoughts on fathers. i mainly thought about the different fathers i know in my life. the topic of fathers began, i suppose, in the fact that father's day was yesterday. these thoughts were also triggered by working beside a father-daughter team today. our wine maker has i believe four different children from four different women. an extremely bizarre situation if you ask me and one that seriously leads me to suspition about his character. yet, when i watch him with his children he is an amazing father. he never argues with them or lets them feel inferior, or stupid. he just goes with the flow. they call him at work and he just listens and listens and listens and when he's done he gives his opinion and tells them he loves them.

i don't have a great relationship with my father. i don't even think i could say that a relationship actually exists between my father and me. yesterday i called him for the second time this year. it was bizarre for me to utter the phrase "happy fathers day dad." what!? forced happiness towards my father. wait, can i call him father? does he deserve that title? the conversation lasted about three minutes, all of which i asked him questions he didn't ask me any. we talked about the weather, his work, his mother and then i said goodbye. i think my mom thinks that i'm completely broken up over my life without a dad. but the thing is, i feel complete apathy towards him. call it what you will-- good or bad-- but i just don't have any feelings of any kind towards my father. not hatred, not love, not longing for him to be around. hes not in my life and i'm doing fine without him.

my mother remarried when i was sixteen years old. as a sophomore in high school i was displaced from my hometown (of 16 years) and moved into a city not far away. my stepfather has given me so much in these past seven years that i quite often refer to him as my father to friends and people i meet. sometimes its really not worth bringing up my biological father.
i don't really know where i'm going with this and am now finding myself quite bored.

quite tired as well.