Something happened this past week. My life is about to change and it is a welcome change. I received a fat envelope in the mail and a letter opening with the line: "Congratulations! As a qualified candidate for the Diagnostic Medical Sonography- Cardiac Track Program, it is my pleasure to invite you to join the program beginning January 30, 2009." (!!!) Now, I am in the midst of making decisions and accomplishing tasks. Deciding where to live... Deciding to split my time between Portland and Merced because classes are held only on Friday's for the first year. OR deciding to take the plunge without guaranteed employment. I'm enrolling in CPR courses and purchasing textbooks. I'm trying to quiet my mind and listen to my heart. Fear is overtaking my being at one moment and relief the next.



I'm making my first quilt. It's a dream I've had for a long time and one that I honestly thought would never happen. I'm making this quilt without any real help; it's coming together with intuition, internet searches, and a book entitled The Modern Day Quilter. I am so proud of my work. Cutting rectangles for hours. Sewing blocks together with a sewing machine. Quilting three layers together by hand. It's a gift for someone I love and worth every needle prick on my left index finger.

This is just to say... I know I was a pain when you called yesterday. Uttering words of cynicism from the moment you said hello. You called for support. Loving words. Encouragement. And all I could give you was a gray, scribbled rain cloud over my head. I am as baffled as you and this treatment undeserving. But! You see, my dear, I'm uncomfortable with myself and keeping you ever-so-slightly at bay gives me an illusion of comfort-- of control. I need you more than ever, yet I cannot keep myself from pushing you away. I'm sorry to be such a pest. I'm trying to be better.

My head is pounding with a headache that temporarily went away this afternoon but decided to come back just now. It's making me lazy and unable to focus. To feel better, I decide to step outside. The weather reminds me more of winter than spring and my headache seems fitting under this oppressive gloom. It's cold. It's soaking wet. I hope the sun returns to Portland soon, I'm missing it's warmth and the happiness it brings to me.

Blech... The weather is yucky and tomorrow is an exam day: Respiratory System and Digestive System. My head is jumbled and unable to focus. I wish I could force myself to pay attention, but I keep thinking about work, someday *hopefully* being admitted to school, and moving south.